Liar Liar Funny Movie Quotes Court Scene Here She Comes to Wreck the Day

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Greta: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knifepoint. He needs your legal advice.

Fletcher Reede: [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole!

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?

Fletcher Reede: Depends on how long you were following me!

Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?

Fletcher Reede: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!

Cop: Is that all?

Fletcher Reede: No... I have unpaid parking tickets.

[opens glove compartment and groans when a wad of tickets pops out]

Fletcher Reede: Be gentle.

[after sex]

Miranda: Mmmm, that was incredible. Was it good for you?

Fletcher Reede: I've had better.

[a disgusted Miranda throws a shocked Fletcher out of the office, tosses his clothes at him, and dramatically slams the doors]

Fletcher Reede: [to himself] I've had better?

Fletcher Reede: Mrs. Cole, is this a copy of your driver's license?

[shows paper]

Samantha Cole: That's right.

Fletcher Reede: It says here you are a blonde, are you? If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Falk will.

Samantha Cole: Brunette.

Fletcher Reede: Maybe if we play the tape again, maybe it's on there...

Samantha Cole: I'm a brunette!

Fletcher Reede: Thank you. Now let's see... weight, 105? Yeah, in your bra.

Dana Appleton: Your honor, I object.

Fletcher Reede: You would!

Dana Appleton: Bastard!

Fletcher Reede: Hag!

Judge Marshall Stevens: QUIET! Overruled! Weight?

Samantha Cole: 118.

[Fletcher gives her a look]

Samantha Cole: Alright, fine, fine, I'm 127.

Fletcher Reede: Uh, huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? Is it!

Samantha Cole: No.

Fletcher Reede: Please tell the court what's on your birth certificate under Date of Birth.

Dana Appleton: Your honor, I object. What does this have to do with anything?

Judge Marshall Stevens: Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.

Samantha Cole: 1965.

Fletcher Reede: Now let me get this straight. That means you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman want to do THAT?

Samantha Cole: I changed it so I could get married.

Fletcher Reede: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client lied about her age! She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent.

[to Dana]

Fletcher Reede: Including...?

Dana Appleton: [sighs] Prenuptial agreements.

Fletcher Reede: Prenuptial agreements! This contract is void! The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!

[about Mr. Allen]

Miranda: Well, what do you think of him?

Fletcher Reede: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.

[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]

Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast! Do Simmons!

Fletcher Reede: Simmons is old! He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you, Tom, you're the biggest brown-nose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!

Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] Priceless!

[Fletcher continues with every member]

Fletcher Reede: You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it alive. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate!

[to Miranda]

Fletcher Reede: SLUT!

Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!

Fletcher Reede: Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!

Mr. Allen: [Adressing one of his board members] Keep your eye on that boy, dick-head!

Fletcher Reede: You scratched my car!

Tow Yard Employee: Where?

Fletcher Reede: [indicating with his hands] Right there!

Tow Yard Employee: Oh... That was already there.

Fletcher Reede: You -- LIAR! You know what I am going to do about this?

Tow Yard Employee: What?

Fletcher Reede: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!

Tow Yard Employee: [tossing the keys to Fletcher] You've been here before, haven't ya?

Audrey Reede: Where were you?

Fletcher Reede: Having sex.

Audrey Reede: [bitterly] Well, I hope it was with someone VERY special!

Fletcher Reede: No, see - that's the thing. I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal.

[Fletcher throws the phone away and drops to the floor in disgust]

Judge Marshall Stevens: It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.

Fletcher Reede: [Picks up a blue pen; to himself] Red... red... Alright, now focus.

[aloud]

Fletcher Reede: The color of this pen is ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh...

[laughs]

Fletcher Reede: This pen is reeeeeeeeeeehhh-

[pauses then announces dramatically]

Fletcher Reede: The color of the pen that I HOLD in my hand is rrrrr-rrroyal blue!

[falls into his chair exhausted]

Fletcher Reede: AHH! One lie and I can't say it!

[gets an idea; grabs a piece of paper]

Fletcher Reede: I'll write it!

[starts writing "This pen is - " but his hand shakes away involuntarily. His arm then swings around uncontrollably, knocking everything off his desk and wiggling in the air. Fletcher finally manages to grab his arm with his other hand and pin it to the desk with his knee]

Fletcher Reede: Write it! Write it or I'll break it off!

[Fletcher closes his eyes as his hand finishes writing the sentence. When he reopens his eyes, he discovers - to his horror - that the hand has written "blue!" on his desk]

Fletcher Reede: No! C'mon!

[His hand darts away to write "blue" again]

Fletcher Reede: Stop it!

[His hand automatically turns to point the pen at him and he wrestles it to the ground]

Greta: [enters the office] Boss? What happened?

Fletcher Reede: [rises from behind the desk with 'Blue' written all over his face] The pen is blue. The pen is blue! The goddamn pen is blue!

Fletcher Reede: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.

Audrey Reede: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.

Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you HE WON. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?

Fletcher Reede: No!

[Greta looks pleased, but then Fletcher continues]

Fletcher Reede: I'd have got him ten.

[Greta stalks off, appalled]

Fletcher Reede: [Fletcher is trying to convince Greta to believe her about Max's wish] You don't believe me, do you?

Greta: Of course not.

Fletcher Reede: [laughs dryly] How ironic. Okay, ask me something you think I would normally lie about.

Greta: Alright. Remember, a few months ago, when I wanted a raise...

Fletcher Reede: Forget it. I don't wanna do this!

Greta: -and the company wouldn't give me one...

Fletcher Reede: Greta, PLEASE!

Greta: -so you said you wanted to give me one out of your own pocket, but it would create jealousy among the other secretaries. Now, was that true, or did you just not want to pony up the dough?

[Fletcher is speechless. Scene cuts to Greta packing her belongings]

Van Driver: [after Fletcher cuts him off in traffic] What's your problem, schmuck?

Fletcher Reede: I'm an inconsiderate prick!

Fletcher Reede: What is WRONG with me?

[monotonous]

Fletcher Reede: I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow. I'm...

[covers his own mouth]

Greta: [after bailing Fletcher out of jail] Am I too late? Have you been sexually molested yet? Because I can circle the block.

Max Reede: If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way?

Fletcher Reede: Nuh-uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.

Max Reede: [voiceover, before blowing out his birthday candles] I wish, that for only one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.

Greta: And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.

Fletcher Reede: [remembers] Oh, I'm such a shit!

[Fletcher is on the phone with his mother]

Fletcher Reede: [listens for a moment] Because I didn't want to talk to you!

[pauses, listening]

Fletcher Reede: Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency. I'LL CALL YA LATER!

Fletcher Reede: You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR!

Dana Appleton: He's badgering the witness!

Judge Marshall Stevens: It's his witness.

Fletcher Reede: You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!

[Makes gobbling noises while pushing himself against the table]

Kenneth Falk: Alright! Alright, it's true, okay? I humped her brains out! There, now ya happy?

[awkward silence]

Fletcher Reede: No further questions.

Fletcher Reede: The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!

[Fletcher witnesses a kiss of greeting between his ex-wife and Jerry]

Fletcher Reede: Wow! That was a nice image...

[makes typing noise]

Fletcher Reede: *Deleted*!

Fletcher Reede: [on phone] Hi! Judge Stevens, I'm scheduled to be in your courtroom in half an hour? Judge Stevens, I badly, BADLY need a continuance!

[pause]

Fletcher Reede: Ill? Am I ill? That is the perfect question for you to ask!

[to Greta]

Fletcher Reede: Greta, PLEASE LIE to him for me!

Greta: I remember when you bought me this antique silver frame from Tiffany's. TIFFANY'S?

Fletcher Reede: [in a high-pitched voice] Garage sale, six-fifty marked down from ten...

[Greta drops picture frame and it smashes]

Fletcher Reede: Greta, please! I'm on my knees in a nine-hundred-dollar suit!

Max Reede: Do the Claw to Mom, Dad! Do the Claw to Mom!

Fletcher Reede: Uh-oh. You've found the Claw's only weakness. Subzero temperatures!

[Splatting sound]

Audrey Reede: [sarcastically] So did you have any trouble finding the place?

Fletcher Reede: All right, I'm late. I ran outta gas! The gauge is broken. Rough neighborhood too. Good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Might've had to rip out my nine and bust a cap! My mind on my money and my money on my mind!

Audrey Reede: They'd never hurt you, Fletcher. You're their lawyer.

Fletcher Reede: Ooh. That was below the belt. Try to keep the gloves up.

Max Reede: Mom, Dad's taking me to see wrestling!

Audrey Reede: Ugh. Fletcher!

Fletcher Reede: Ugh. Audrey!

Fletcher Reede: [after stealing a flight of stairs and getting injured at the airport] Audrey, great news! Both my legs are broken so they can't take me right to jail.

Fletcher Reede: Max! It's 8:45, you made the wish at 8:15. I've been able to lie for the past half hour.

Max Reede: So you were - ?

Fletcher Reede: No! It was the truth. I just wanted to be honest with you, Max. I always want to be honest with you.

Jerry: [pretends to hit Max] One, two three, four, five, and one for good luck!

Fletcher Reede: [to Audrey] He struck the child, did you see that?

Fletcher Reede: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - they are his?

Samantha Cole: Oh yeah. One for sure.

Fletcher Reede: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.

Samantha Cole: Seven.

Fletcher Reede: [surprised] Beg your pardon?

Samantha Cole: Seven single acts of indiscretion.

Fletcher Reede: SEVEN! Acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for.

[the lights turn on after Max makes a wish and blows out the candles]

Max Reede: Mom? Dad?

[Audrey and Fletcher are kissing. After they break away, they look at each other in surprise]

Fletcher Reede: [suspiciously] MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?

Max Reede: No. I wished for rollerblades!

Audrey Reede: [awkwardly, to Fletcher] Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad?

Fletcher Reede: I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm...

Audrey Reede: Oh no... run, IT'S THE CLAW!

Fletcher Reede: NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW!

Fletcher Reede: [having been charged a huge amount to get his car back, he reaches for an air freshener] I'm taking this!

Fletcher Reede: Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I OBJECT, Your Honor, and I move to strike!

Judge Marshall Stevens: Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick!

Fletcher Reede: Where would Tina Turner be right now if she'd rolled over and said, "Hit me again, Ike, and put some stank on it!"? Rollin' on the river, that's where she'd be. But she's beyond Thunderdome, because she decided to send a message?

[yells]

Fletcher Reede: Wake up, sisters! There is nooooooo such thing as a weaker sex!

Samantha Cole: I want my money. I am not going to end up a 31-year-old divorcée on welfare because my scumbag attorney had a sudden attack of conscience.

Fletcher Reede: [realizes] 31?

Fletcher Reede: [to Max] Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got. Maybe you send a fax to one of your girlfriends!

Samantha Cole: You look like you're having a rough morning.

Fletcher Reede: [sarcastically] Ding ding ding! What do we have for her, Johnny?

Mr. Allen: [Fletcher is shaken by the court ruling and seeing Samantha Cole pull her children away from their father, and Mr. Allen congratulating him on his performance doesn't help] I love children! They give you so much leverage in a case like this. You did an incredible job, partner.

[Mr. Allen holds out his hand and Fletcher reluctantly shakes it. Mr. Allen misinterprets Fletcher's speechlessness for pleasant surprise and chuckles at Miranda]

Mr. Allen: Look at him. He's stunned; he can't believe it!

[Appalled at both himself and Mr. Allen, Fletcher breaks off the handshake and looks at his bosses in disgust]

Fletcher Reede: Your Honor, may I please approach the bench?

Judge Marshall Stevens: We're adjourned, Mr. Reede.

Fletcher Reede: Your Honor, I think we've made a big mistake.

Judge Marshall Stevens: Mr. Reede, I am tired and very cranky.

Fletcher Reede: I know, but this is just... WRONG, isn't it? I manipulated the system! Just because you bought it doesn't mean I'm right. It's a technicality!

Judge Marshall Stevens: Young man, having my judgement mocked in my own court is NOT something I'm prepared to tolerate!

Fletcher Reede: Well, maybe you can tell that to the kids when they're adopted by the Manson family!

Judge Marshall Stevens: [angered] One more word outta you, Mr. Reede, and I'll hold you in contempt!

Fletcher Reede: I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT! Why should YOU be any different?

Judge Marshall Stevens: Bailiff, take him away!

Fletcher Reede: [points to Mr. Cole] This man is a good father!

[glares at Miranda and Mr. Allen]

Fletcher Reede: And children are not leverage!

[as the bailiff manhandles him out of court]

Fletcher Reede: Oh, no, don't do this! l have a date to play ball with my son! I can't be late! It's my last chance! I'm Jose Canseco! I'm Jose Canseco!

[Audrey pays off Fletcher's tickets for his impounded car]

Fletcher Reede: Thank you! I can't tell you how much this means to me!

Audrey Reede: I can: $1654.11.

Fletcher Reede: [yelling at attendant] HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?

Ms. Berry: Today we're going to talk about what our parents do for work.

Little Girl: My mommy is a doctor.

Little Boy: My daddy is a truck driver.

Max Reede: Well my mom's a teacher.

Ms. Berry: And your dad?

Max Reede: My dad he's a liar.

Ms. Berry: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.

Max Reede: Well he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.

Ms. Berry: Oh I see. You mean he's a lawyer.

[Max shrugs his shoulders in a yeah whatever mood]

Fletcher Reede: [outside of Max's school] See, Max, I have to lie. Everybody lies. Mommy lies. Even the wonderful Jerry lies.

Max Reede: But you're the only one who makes me feel bad.

Fletcher Reede: [after Fletcher steals a flight of stairs and gets injured at the airport, Audrey comes over to check on him] Audrey!

Audrey Reede: Fletcher!

Fletcher Reede: Great news! Both my legs are broken so they can't take me right to jail.

Audrey Reede: Fletcher, what were you doing? Are you out of your mind?

Fletcher Reede: [sits up] No! I'm thinking clear. I've NEVER been this clear.

Max Reede: [approaches] Dad?

Fletcher Reede: [smiles] Creep. I was getting kind of upset.

Max Reede: Are you all right?

Fletcher Reede: Yeah.

[points to his heart]

Fletcher Reede: But I'm hurting here though. I'm a dope, Max. All this time you've been here and I could see you anytime I felt like it but I didn't. Then your mom told me you were moving to Boston and I started thinking. I could be sitting around sometime; I wanna look at you and hold you and play with you. And I wanna be able to. I don't think I'm gonna do too well with that. I love you more than anything else in the world, Max. And you know it's true! I couldn't say it if it wasn't true. Not today. I love you. And I'll NEVER hurt you again.

[gently wipes a tear off Max's cheek with his thumb]

Publicist: Mr. Reede, do you have a moment?

Fletcher Reede: I'm sorry, I'm very late. It's my day to be with my son.

Publicist: A couple of reporters want to talk to you about your big win today.

Fletcher Reede: Oh, yeah? How's my hair?

Max Reede: [shows his baseball glove] Look at what Dad got me.

Jerry: Wow, great. Hey, you know what, I have my glove in the car. Maybe we could stop at the park on the way home and play catch. Then tonight we can rub oil in it and wrap a big rubber band around it. It'll be great.

[to Fletcher]

Jerry: Hey, great gift, Dad.

Fletcher Reede: [sarcastically] Thanks, Son.

[to Audrey]

Fletcher Reede: I'm so glad my gift could bring those two together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete.

Skull: [after being acquitted] Mr. Reed, great job. Say, do you want your coat back?

Fletcher Reede: No, I'm sure you'll be needing it again.

[to himself]

Fletcher Reede: And again.

Fletcher Reede: [with his female boss on his lap, sexually attacking him] Listen, I'm really sorry, but I just... I just can't make it. The boss is REALLY ridin' me!

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119528/quotes/qt0372679

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